This is not how it was supposed to be.
I was supposed to share how wonderful it was spending precious time together with my husband and son, working the land like we do, before returning to California. And it was all that and more.
It was the old dog I was worried about. 13 years old and 4 strokes later and it was for him I rushed to the finish line and wanted to be home.
But all that is behind me. Behind a dark cloud. Right now it is so dark and drowning.
This is not how it was supposed to be. We were supposed to come home to the happy whinny of my beautiful red mare. I was supposed to turn out Crow with his woman and Bayjura with her mom, and that was supposed to be their reward. We were supposed to all be happy, and rewarded to finally be home.
All the signs of death I was choosing to ignore. The ravens, the owls, the feelings, the gut… silly superstition, I told myself. Don’t listen to that. Don’t listen to yourself.
I wanted to believe I was doing the right thing. I thought leaving Canela home was the best thing for her. I thought being on the road would kill her.
Oh my beautiful Canela girl, my soul sister, my brave heart warrior woman, I heard you calling and tried to come to you fast as I could. I was too far away. I was not fast enough. I failed you so badly. I failed so bad. I am so sorry, such stupid words to say that cannot be heard….
I was wrong again. Turns out staying home killed her. Two months was too long without us. She went to find us. But the bears found her first.
Damn it! No!
I was going to ask for more prayers. But I felt I was not worthy. I know of others dealing with so much worse. But I still prayed. Why are our prayers not always heard?
Make good decisions, Sue said as I was leaving. I don’t. Sometimes I am very very wrong.
An old cowboy once told me: if you don’t want to lose any, don’t have any. His daughter, much softer and just as wise, said it nicer: only those who have, can lose.
I have had so much, and lost so much. What about Canela? Oh my beautiful girl…
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A Long Quiet Ride 
Oh my dear sister. I can not express in words the sorrow I feel for this situation and for all of you as a family. How I would like to be close! where are you? My deepest condolences. Love you always, do count on us for anything we can do!!
Silvia
I am so blessed to know you and have you heart. Thank you….
Oh Gin absolutely tragic. After all you’ve been thru. Not sure why these things happen. Please just know we love you and are sending hugs and condolences. Doesn’t mean much at these times but somehow community helps.
I am not able to really grasp this loss. It’s a big one for me. Changes a lot. Sucks. Learning a lot. Loss will do that. Thank you for reaching out. You are right. Somehow that really does help. Thank you. Love you.
Oh Gin…it’s so hard to let you know just how deep our hearts are broken for you and Bob. I’ve been crying on and off all day for you both. I woke today in such a somber way and wasn’t sure why but learned why later in the morning. We are connected with all that we love and the land we love as well. The grieving is so fucking hard and nothing seems to take it away…. only as time passes it seems to get a little less intense. I so so want you to know you made all good choices…You made a million decisions out there on your journey that got you to your destination….I only said that in the beginning cause I’m such a freakin safety monitor…..Please Please know you both are so loved and you are not alone. Canela…Beautiful Brave Canela….sending blessings to her…. For all that she was and always will be….
Things just changed alot in losing Canela. A nasty blow. I’ll learn from it. In time. Thank you for being brave enough to reach out, now and throughout this journey. It has meant so much to me. You know, your advice was with me throughout. I learned this: how can you know what you don’t know until you know? That may sound stupid but when everyday and every way is unknown, it makes sense. And you know, when I read leaving Chris advised : have fun. I tried. Interesting to note that most of it was not fun. It was hard, challenging intense and interesting. But only a few moments of fun. Those were the fuel to keep me moving onward.
My heart broke reading this. I am mad. I’m angry. I’m desolated. These kind of stories kill me…where beings are supposed to meet again and they are so so close, and then….. this is so unfair. it’s so wrong, and I hate it that you will be feeling guilty for a long time, maybe forever, as I am, as this has reopened woulds of my own when my dog died because of my not being present. Just a tad too late, and she was gone forever. I know what you are feeling and I am sorry to say there is no remedy. I’m sorry. I’m sad, mad, and desolated. I wanted so much to read the happy ending version.
I hear you Cris. I get it. I am with you. My next post will be for you.
That made me cry too, Ginny. I look forward to it. Thank you.
I am so terribly sorry, Gin, and heartbroken for you all. This is unbearably hard. I am praying for you and for you all.Hurting with you,c
Oh Ginny, this is such heartbreaking news, I am so sorry for your loss. It is so hard when the elation of completing such a monumental journey is countered with such sadness. Her wonderful spirit will be with you always. Marcia Ames, Redding CA
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